Listen to me. Just for a second. I promise I won't take long. I promise to make you smile. I promise I'm not going to waste your time. I promise to open the door. I promise to give you things that smell good and that look pretty.
I won't let you down. Please don't check your texts now, I'm telling you great stuff here. You just checked 'em. You really did. I take back the thing I said about giving you good-smelling things. That's gone now. For awhile. Until next time I mess up, then you might see those.
Let's just enjoy our dinner together. It's not often we can enjoy such a delicious meal together, you and me. Or is it I? It's You and I. Gotcha. You're so smart, honey. That's why I more-than-like, maybe even four-letter-word-rhyming-with-glove-you.
You take a bite then I take a bite. I'll wait for you to stop chewing and then ask a quasi-irrelevant question about the last episode of Desperate Housewives of Tatooine.
I hear a cell ringer disguised on vibrate. I think it's yours. In your tiny purse without straps. Yep, there it is. Oh, it's your boyfriend. Hmm. Didn't know you had one of those things.
You mentioned a cat, a dog, and a decent job, but not that other thing.
Answer it if you want to. He's where? Outside my house with a baseball bat? No way. He doesn't know where I live. Oh, yea, that's where I live alright.
Good thing we're eating out, or else he'd probably come in and wanna hurt me. Wait, we're eating in. Didn't recognize my place. I just thoroughly douched it for the first time in a fortnight and didn't recognize it. There's my cat over there. Thought she ran away. That's cool.
Well does he want me to come out so he can beat me with the bat? No, he wants to come in and beat me. Well, I'm not sure that's a good idea. Just cleaned and all. I'll come out there.
How angry is he on a 1-10 scale? Twelve, he said. Well, that's not between 1 and 10 so I take it he's angry plus two. Tell him I'm going to bring out a weapon, also. If he has a bat, I'll bring a ball. Those always go well with bats.
Maybe I should stop stalling, he said? What's he know about stalling. I'm not stalling. Are you stalling? Who's stalling? Nobody's stalling.
Ask him how the weather is, maybe I should bring my jacket. He said the weather's fine and that I'm stalling. What's with him and stalling? Nobody's stalling. I'm not stalling.
Ok, I'm coming out, but first I'll stretch. How come you never told me you had a boyfriend, by the way? Cause you thought I might be different than him and wanted to see what I was like. Well, ya better get your fill in now, cause I'm about to be a lot bruisier.
Ya know what? I bet I could take this guy. I mean, I'm not a fighter but I bet he isn't either, hence the melee weapon. Oh, he's an ex-MMA guy. That's aggressive. He's probably got an Affliction shirt on. Tell him to take it off before I come to fight cause I don't wanna cut my fists on rhinestones and bedazzles if I was to punch at him. In case I land one.
Oh, I have an idea. I'll just call the cops on him and they can deal. No way. He is a cop. Well, that's just great. He must be off-duty? No, he's on-duty still. This just doesn't seem right.
Another cell ringer. It's mine. I'm going to answer it since you're talking on your phone. It's OK if I talk on mine when you're on yours. Hold on. It's my brother. Yo dude. Yea, I know there's a guy outside my place with his shirt off waving a bat around. Yea, he's her boyfriend thing apparently. No, didn't know. But it makes sense, she's always kinda distant, yea. Plus, you saw her at the bar that night making out with a dude. Oh, this is the same dude? I'm beginning to sense foul-play.
Should you hit the guy with your car? Hold on, I'll check with her. Hey, should he hit your dealie guy with his car, ya know, to get him off the phone? She just said NO. Eh, what does she know.
I think you should hit him at about 7 miles per hour. That way, he's not hurt, but he'll think twice about having a girlfriend next time.
Ok, honey, so we're going to hit your boyfriend thing with a car. Not too hard, but just enough to put him in the bushes. And those bushes cost me a lot, too, so this is kinda big for me. They're ficus.
He did it. My brother hit him with the car. Why are you crying now. I thought you liked me. No, you always loved him. Well, then you should thank me for helping you realize that you always loved him. Cause if he wouldn't have come over with the bat, then he wouldn't have been hit by the car, so that you'd feel sorry for him and realize you still loved him. You should thank me.
You're welcome. Hold on, my brother's still on the phone. Ya got him good, eh? Nice. Great. Come on in and let's play some Mario Kart.
All this talk about hitting things makes me wanna be Bowser for a bit.