White Guy Greetings

To my fellow White Guys: Handshake or Fist Bump.
Just decide now.
If we can't decide now, and I don't expect us to, then I'll lay down some rules.
If you see a dude you know approaching from a ways away, GET READY.
You need to decide RIGHT NOW how this greeting's going down. Time is of the essence.
The bump is casual, the shake is business.
Where are you? Assess your surroundings.Know the lay of the land.
Party? Bar? Work? Gym? How well do you know the dude? Is he a shake greeting every time friend?
These all need to be taken into careful consideration.
After you've decided to use either the bump or the shake, get that damn thing up IMMEDIATELY.
I mean, really raise your hand up and show what you're comin' at him with. Go flat with your hand to show shake, go fist with your hand to show bump. This is where I've seen the most awkward scenarios take place.
It's not poker, so it's alright to show your hand early.
Don't wait until it's too late. That's bush league ka-ka, broheim.
Show it around 10 yards out, so his peripheral has time to acknowledge what it is you're comin' at him with, and he can react accordingly. I'm saying this cause I wish the same would be done to me. Don't whip the bump outta nowhere like a damned ninja chinese star in my eye.
This isn't rock, paper, scissors, either. If you throw bump, he needs to throw bump. His shake does not beat your bump.
When that happens, you both lose, I'm afraid. We all do, really.
There's nothing more awkward in all of the world than two grown-ass men feebly groping one another's hands after someone threw out a late fist bump. I've seen it, and been part of it, a million times.
The handshake guy changes his to fist bump, then the fist bump guy changes his to handshake, and then the awkward chuckle exchange and then both your balls are chopped off cause neither one of you deserve to be men. May as well just start up the 'patty-cake' song and have at it, children.

And in closing-I want to talk about the handshake-to-arm-wrestle-hold-to-left-arm-dude-hug. This is a fairly complex move. Rhythym is involved.
Cooler dudes than you usually stick this move all the time. If you engage in this evassive manuever with a cooler dude and you don't execute it flawlessly, then you'll fall that much lower down the cool scale, maybe even off of it.
And that would be a real pity, cause you're already reading blogs, so there's not much more room to fall, honestly.
Don't blame me, I warned you.

PS. The writer of the blog is not even ON the cool scale, so won't you join me, it's cold in here.