This Just In

And the News lit up the screen, as only the News can. The News. So much News. Who can follow all of this News. There's always News. On a slow News day they report on animal shelters. On a busy News day they report on a massacre in Libya. Both of those things are News. How do both of those topics fall under the same header? Both are News? Well, not quite.

See, we have Breaking News, Urgent News, NewsDay, News Flash, Newsweek, Quick News, News News. A multitude of News forms and categories. Check, see for yourself. Turn on the television in the room you're in or on the phone you're reading this from and tune into a News channel. See, they're talking about an animal shelter or a gunfight right now. Or animals using guns on one another while some run for shelter. 

But let's get this straight, I'm into the News. I'm all for News. If News had a team, I'd be waterboy. If we don't know what's happening in the world around us, well then, we're destined to be shown it at a later date on another News channel. 

There is no avoiding the News. The News will take ahold of you, and when it does, it's best just to glaze over and let it wash your feeble, pathetic, Newsless mind. You didn't know what was happening around our planet before the News pounded you in the ass in the alleyway, did you. It stains your retinas like the burn-in from leaving QVC on for too long. Why are you watching QVC anyway. Taking a break from the News? How dare you, my little Newsling. Get back to it. 

And now here you are. You're up to speed on events and occurrences, of happenings and situations. The News has had its way with you and you're a better person for it, trust me. Have you met the Un-News'd? Bah. A dreadfully dreary sort, the lot of 'em. No worldliness. No opinions. Know nothing.

But the best part of being News'd? You can now speak fluently with anyone else that the News has manhandled, the two of you sharing News openly. You've been alone with the News late at night, just the two of you, and you have that in common with your new best friends, the News'd Masses.

You glow of knowledge, of being socially responsible. You emit. You radiate. Other Newsies see this and respond. 

You'll be a hit at every coffee shop everywhere you go.

The News has become you, and you it. 

They say that 'No News is Good News.'

But I beg to differ.

No News would be Fantastic News.