Most times I don't throw out the coupons. This is not most times. I kept it. I kept the coupon for 20 percantage points off.
Don't ask me when I'll use it. I don't know.
The cat sure does like crouching. It crouches more than any man crouches, besides a catcher. Can't tell who crouches more, the cat or the catcher.
Another thing about my cat. It's five and a half pounds. Should be four, that fat bitch.
Just drank some of the water in front of me and now typing at my computer with the water in front of me that I just drank.
I'm sure this won't mean as much to me tomorrow, but right now, in this moment, things are going ok.
What if at the end of your life, God puts his hand on your chest and asks 'So, how'd it go?' and your response is 'It was fine.' I'd think you were onto something.
Just last night I met the man, the man with the plan. He was an architect and he held in his hand a plan.
Bank of America Alerts are the exact equivalent of Amber Alerts. Useless.
'But hey, don't take my word for it' - a really pompous way to be. But hey, don't take my word for it.
I've dug myself into a ditch, one which I can't seem to climb out of. Oh, lookit there, an elevator. See you bastards at the top.
An uglier bastard there never was. He was creased and fidgety, an unfortunate combination. His mother, Creasey McFidgingtons, loved him still
I was playing a video game and my friend told me the cheat code to gain infinite money. I wish we had that in life. Then I remembered we do. Be rich.
So the sun sets, sets on you, my little bear. The sunlight glistens your fur, you relish in your beauty.
We're kinda stuck with our heart, ya know, for all intensive purposes. We can change 'em sometimes, but the risk is too vast.
I wish that, before any risky business, I could hit the 'Save' button. Listen, things could go very badly, it's best not to start over never again yet.
'Here's to you, Mrs. Bhatnagar, Allah loves you more than you can tell, hey hey hey.'
Oh here's an opinion for you, since you love them so much, don't you? I think you do.
Changing lanes? Do you have to do that? I heard most lanes don't want to change.
Another time, said the really old man. There might not be one, said the normally old man.
Even if it is written in stone, that still doesn't mean much. I only take heed from blood written docs.
Some bands just got it, don't they. The moves, the looks, the attitude. And then some bands are Kings of Leon.
If this joke was about you, do you think my cat's head would ever perk up?
Honestly, there is nothing stopping you from breaking the Food-On-The-Ground 3 Second Rule. Just wait. It'll be fine.
'So subtle it's nonexistent. My approach to parenting.' - parents of little shitheads everywhere.
Getting called a 'joke' is a terribly mean thing to say, because by definition a 'joke' is a thing to make you smile. But I guess it's supposed to mean that you make them smile at your expense, not theirs. Because maybe they paid to watch you?
You buy something silly at a store and a person in line behind you laughs. Then you should say 'What, are you laughing at my expense?' Then high five.