MOVE, beotch, GET OUT THE WAY

Are you a 'sidestepper'?

Ever feel like you're always the one to get out of the way when another person is headed towards you? In the mall? In the office? Are you courteous? Are you the person to always let the other person have the right of way?

If you are, you're not alone. I am too. I always play 'nice guy' and swivel my shoulders and sidestep to let little Napoleans by. Happened in the gym this morning, in fact, and is what spurred this blog.

He was walking towards me, like, directly AT me, I knew he wasn't going to sidestep or veer away, so I knew I had to. He didn't say 'excuse me', he didn't acknowledge that a larger obstruction was headed towards him. And once I veered off course, there was no response to that, either. Nothing. YOU'RE walking AT me, you deserve to have the right away. You weigh in at 135 sopping wet, tiny child-man, go ahead, let me haul my 230 out of your way. Wouldn't want to put you out. Please. No. I insist. By all means.

If there's a cordial exchange, a smirk and a nod, an 'excuuse me', then that's fine. That's how human beings should interact with one another. We're all in this together until we're not. Get a chuckle out of it. Hell, if it's an attractive member of the opposite sex comin' at you, do the ol' 'going the same way' gag where ya giggle and kinda walk in the same direction a few times. She goes right, you go left. Whoops. Tee-hee. You go right, she goes left. Oopsies. Can I get your number? We've got so much in common, we both can't manage to walk around each other. Let's do the sex.

But those folks who act like we 'sidesteppers' owe it to them to get out of their tiny unimportant way? Those are the cretins I'm speaking to.

I'm here today to say that us 'sidesteppers' have had ENOUGH. From here on out, if you see me coming at you from a ways away, and you're not going to veer, you're not going to be courteous, know that you've got exactly 2 ticks before you're on your ass.

Cause I'm not moving anymore. I'm over it. Let's bump shoulders, seriously. I'll check your scrawny ass through three walls. Think these hands have been soaking in ivory soap for the last 30 years? They haven't been. I use Irish Spring.
You wanna tap the glass? You're not going to like the results, my friend.

I will roll through you like shit through a goose. (thank you, Patton)

You will learn to get out of larger people's way. Lord knows I already do. I see a dude or girl larger than myself coming at me, I am happy to sidestep. Take the road, you've got a lot to move and I respect that. Don't Zangief style bearhug me into a pile of Juiceking pebbles.

So, sidsteppers unite! (Cue Rocky theme song)
Stand up for yourself.
It's your path as much as it is anyone else's. Take it.
Stand firm.
This is a call to arms.

LET THIS DAY MARK THE START OF A NEW ERA.

(An era of people just walking straight into one another. This is going to be a fun era)