We all know one. Or two. In fact, if you know three one-uppers, I'll go ahead and say I know four.
Such is the communication pattern of a one-upper. You say you did something cool, they say not only that they've done the same thing, but they've done it with cooler people, more times, in more locations, all while riding hoverboards.
A one-upper is a miserable person to speak with.
However! I now know how to handle them.
I like to play games with them, goad them into telling me a story first so that I may turn the tables. Flip the script. Reverse the cowgirl. What?
Just listen in on this bedazzled gem of a recent conversation I had with a known one-upper whose name I've changed for confidentiality purposes:
Me: Hey Bruce, how ya doing?
Bruce: Great. Good. How are you?
Me: Fantastic. How was your Thanksgiving break? Do anything worthy of note?
Bruce: Why yes, Justin, I did. I saw Harry Potter 7 with the fam, opening night on the Imax. BAM! Best seats in the house. Perfect time, right there at the 7 o'clock mark. Fam loved it. Can't beat it. Don't even try. (He brushed his hair back while saying this last line. He needed to be taken down.)
Me: Ahhh, that sounds...nice. Yea, I actually saw HP (gotta use abbreviations when talking with a one-upper, cause it will make them think they're out of the loop and being out the loop kills them) two weeks ago in LA, red carpet deal, sat next to Hermoine, I think she tried to play the hole in the popcorn bag game with me, whatever.
Bruce: (fumbling for his one-up response) Oh, that's...that's...well, I was actually IN the Harry Potter movie.(here he goes) I was Professor Dumbledore's assitant, but they cut it out due to me stealing too many scenes, so I got asked to goto that premiere but I was like, no way, you cut me out, so i didn't go cause I didn't want to! Pfffff. Ha. No way. Not me. Not ever. (he has now broken out into a shimmy, like a touchdown dance of sorts)
Me: (He thinks he's got me, poor guy. One-uppers will stop at nothing to achieve victory, unfortunately for him, I don't know how to lose) Oh, that's great. Yea, That woulda been cool to see you on the big screen. I kinda get tired of watching myself up there, honestly. All the autographs, screaming girls. Just gets sooo old. (yawn)
Bruce: Uh..what are you talking about? (his shimmy has stopped...a bead of sweat rolls lazily down his forehead...he's on the ropes...)
Me: Oh, didn't you know?
Bruce: Know what? (I....got...him)
Me: I'm Harry Fucking Potter.
It was at that moment that Bruce began convulsing and steaming from his ears. Large cracks etched themselves violently across his body and then he exploded into a million tiny one-upping pieces.
Oh, to be a one-upper. To truly believe that everything you've ever done is cooler, grander, bigger, better, faster, cleaner, sexier, hotter, stronger, awesomer than everything else that everyone in the human race has ever and will ever do...such a pity.
If you ever find yourself about to one-up someone, please stop, take a deep breath, and remember that even though Daddy didn't love you and Mommy was never around doesn't give you the right to rain on someone else's parade.
Oh, and pray you don't ever come across me, the One-Upper Slayer, for I will destroy you.
Cause I'm Harry Fucking Potter.