Up Sell Me

Ya know what I miss? Knowing the channels of my favorite networks. I just got AT&T Uvers set up in my new apartment this week. Big modem for the wireless. Sweet new stick for flipping channels. And I'm lost.
The channel guide is 17 pages long, written in 4 point type, and all folded up like one of those obnoxious maps of the world. Do I fold length wise, heighth wise? Wait, this goes here, then this, then...one of the corners stabs you in the neck, another one pokes your retina.
Whatever happened to KNOWING the channels by heart?
NBC was channel 2, ABC 3, FOX 4 and HBO 5.
That's all I want. I think CBS was 7. Showtime was 6. What happened here?
How am I supposed to remember that Uvers has set NBC to trusty ol' channel 1643.
1643.
Really?
One thousand, six hundred and forty two channels are more important than NBC. That's what Uvers is telling us.
I just don't get it. How many versions of ABC Family can we have?
HBO has 11 channels. I mean, people, this has just reached crisis levels.
RED Crisis level for couch potatoes. And there are shows about shows now!
Talk soup is a show about other shows. We don't even know what we need anymore. We simply WANT.
We've reached the danger zone.
That reminds me, I wanna watch Top Gun, and ya know what? It's probably on one of the 6,000 channels that Uvers has provided me. Hold on, let me get out the Channel Almanac Map of the Uvers, Volume 1, and scan for it.
Eh, by the time I find it in the Almanac, the show will be over.
Thank God they up-sold me on the DVR!
It's like they KNOW you're not going to find the channel in time.
Just DVR the damn thing, cause ain't no way they'll find the game on ESPN Channel 1329. Channel 1329? That's not a channel number, that's a locker combination.
Maybe this is them telling us we need to stop.
They're laughing at us now.
HA, let's give these idiots 17,000 channels and then drop the 4 pound Channel Almanac of the World off on their dumb doorstep and then up-sell 'em on the DVR.
Life is one big up-sell.
That's what I miss about being 6 years old. I didn't know no better.
And I at least knew where to find the Animaniacs everyday at 4pm. Channel 12.
Now it's one big crapshoot. I stay in the 1400-1600's, for fear of wandering too far out and not knowing how to get back to my comfort zone.
Hey, at least it's all in HD, though, right? Right?
Now I can see the veins in Roker's bug eyes.
And that's what we've all been missing.