Got a new game on the PC. Modern Warfare 2. It's not so much a game, however, as just another way for me to kick your ass. Don't believe me? Get it. Go get a copy. I dare you. I then dare you to logon and play online. More specifically, play ME online. Ha. Try it, you newb. I need more notches on my computer table desk.
I'll frag you so hard your monitor will hurl itself onto the dog and your hard drive will combust into your crotch.
I'm insanely good. It's not fair. For you. It's fair for me, cause I've got talent. And I'm vicious. I don't take any prisoners. Mainly because that's not an option in the game, like, there's no 'take prisoner' hot key or anything, but even if there was, I wouldn't use it. Clearly I'm a hardass, you're catchin' on.
I'm not talking in kiddie terms here, people. I'm talkin' big boy speak. Big boy frag speak. My frags are so big I gotta wear suspends. And even then the suspends don't really hold up my camo pants, so they kinda sag low and make me look cooler than the other pixel-based soldiers on my team. And it is MY team. I run the show.
That's it. Test me. I mean, do it. Logon. Make a cool name like 'DeadlySins73' or 'Ca$hkilla'. Do it. As soon as you do, you begin your dream sequence into the abyss. The abyss of Juiceking.
Your nightmare will consist of a steady stream of nades, a side of AK, and a smidgen of kickass. I'll crawl through mud and Rambo style stab you with a dull chopstick, break it off inside your body and then eat a Rainbow Roll with it. Again, not doable in the game, but you can imagine.
I'm that good. And I'm fast. I can hold shift down with my pinky while I strafe through a Guatemalen village, only to find you camped out with your pants down around the bend, grunting through a case of Montezuma's revenge. At that point, I'd allow you to finish before I'd side chop your ear into your brain.
And I can shoot you with lots of guns. Dub Uzi's. Dub pisties. Big machine gun with laser pointer. Big machine gun with a tripod on the end. Tell me what you want me to frag you with. I'll oblige.
Or ya know what? I won't. I want a challenge. I'll let you have all the guns in the ammo barn and I'll just rely on my closed combat-caption for the hearing impaired skills. First, I work the face with a series of slap-chops. Ear into brain. Then I take a short break while you wobble around and complain about black spots in your vision. I laugh at this, rub my chin, drop to a knee and strong underhand punch you in the genitals. This makes you emit a weird hiss-like fizzle noise. Whoever said I need to fight fair? A frag's a frag, shut up.
Then, once you're on the ground, I kick some sand on you and try to bury you alive. It will take awhile, but stay down and fizzing, the black spots aren't going anywhere.
Ah, who am I kidding. I'm not even believing this rant. I'm terrible at ModWar2. I get sniped, fragged, blown up and slapped to death, literally, ALL the time.
I really do suck at it.