If you..

If you were the sky
you'd be blue,
And all day long
I'd stare at you.

Okay, holdup. That's not entirely true. I think that might be excessive. Staring at you all damn day? Come on.
I saw a couple at dinner once that stared at one another the entire time. Not talking. Just sat and stared at one another. Their hands would blindly search for their glasses of wine while their eyes held strong. The guy cut himself trying to butter his bread. The woman brought a spoon of soup to her mouth only to spill it down her blouse. The guy didn't even look down to check out the soup-boobs.
They were entranced. Nothing mattered.
Their magical eye-embrace tortured me. I, in turn, couldn't stop staring at them. I think they were making love with the other's retina. It was the single freakiest and most heartfelt moment I've ever witnessed.

If you were a dog
you'd be loud
And every day
I'd call you proud.

But that would be a damn lie. You wouldn't be proud if you were a dog. Unless you were one of the ones from the foo-foo dog shows with the bows and clean asses. But even those ones aren't proud, I bet. You seen the poodle cut? I got my cat one of those, and guess what? She knew she looked ridiculous.
She left a letter on my pillow that read 'how dare you. signed, buttercup.' And it had a little paw print next to it, like an official seal.
I've slept with my eyes open ever since.

If you were a door
you'd be shut,
And every day
You'd be a sl---

Hey kids!? What's that? Yes, I agree. Let's shut that door and open a new one. Door number three, maybe. Or One. I never take the middle door. Ya gotta make a choice in life. The middle choice is the lack of choice. That's the given. That's why they always put the good shit behind door number two. Because they know nobody ever takes it and they don't wanna lose their sweet prizes.
And since people like making firm resolves and choices, they put the crappy stuff behind the other two, so that the person gets screwed with something less than sweet.
That's why I've just switched my stance on what door I take in life.
Always and forever from here on out in life I will choose the middle door. I've just talked myself into it.