If I was a Rapper

Ok. Here we go. Drop the beat. Lace the...track.
Drop the beat and lace the track.
Uhh...Uhhh...What? Uhhh...What? What? Seriously, what? I can't hear shit. Turn me up. Turn me up...Yep, the right and the left. Ah. Better. Ok, where was I..Ok, Uhhh...Uhhh...let's do this.

Once again it's on, for the first time not the last time,
the best rhyme I've gots is one about a hate crime.
Who pontifacates once and twice and maybe thrice,
the man among men who came down to spit lice.
Electric flames flowin' out my eyeballs and fingernails
I got more charges than Huntsville's got jails.
Not really, though, that's a lie. I don't got one charge
but if it makes me look tougher, slap 'em on like Large Marge.
Pee wee, gray suit-shirt and tie,
South Florida matinee, tug then lie.
Ok, what? My rhymes is weak as O'Dhoul's,
stacking fake chips like a crown's got jewels.
But but but wait, damn that starter pistol ain't real?
Whatta shame, I'd shoot every one of them mules.
Go ahead and get gone, sure Barkeep, a whiskey sour and then crown,
me the king, the double ott in you pocket, keep all my ho's pics in one locket.
Sock it. It's tiny. Like a really tiny locket. I guess that shows how many ho's I gots...ahem. But it can hold all kinds of other stuff, too, which makes it pretty cool.
Oh right! I'm rhyming...Uhh...Uhhh...
My hand wiggles when I drink and draw,
It's a flaw, but irrelevant if ya picked the short straw-
but ya didn't, whis is evident from your predicament's a testament
to ya being here on my blog
reading my smut to the early mornin's fog.

WHAT? No he didn't. Yes he did. Are you sure? Not really. Uhhh...uhhh...Dallas...Uhhh. Never again. 2009. Uhhh. Dallas all up in your shit. Just all up in it. Uhhh. Droppin' beats like...like, somethin' that drops beats. Like a drummer. Or a beat-machine. They drop em, right? Uhh. Shut up. This is my song. Uhhh. 2009 till forever. Cause that's how long we do. That's how long we do! Long as forever. That's longer than...shit...that's longer than a lot of stuff that you think is long. Forever. Uhhh.
King out.