iPhone purchase

I caved in and joined the 21st century. I got an iPhone. I used to have a little blue number that flipped open and was too small for my enormous cranium. I passed a window as I talked on it once and caught a glimpse of myself. I looked foolish.
It stretched from the bottom of my ear to the bottom of my nose. I think it was refurbished from a 14 year old girl.
The screen was dark green and the type was light green. It reminded me of DOS. And it sucked. But I could text without looking at the phone, and that made me happy. I could pull the move from 'The Departed', when Leo texts his position to some other guy from his pocket. That's comforting to know I could do that, too.
Anyway, I went and played around with an iPhone and bought it. Life's too short. You only live once. All's well that ends well. I used every excuse in the book why I should get it.
I've put my artwork on it. I've put my cartoon on it. And I've put Star Wars sound effects on it. What else do you need? Maps? You lost? They got that. Don't know where to eat? Can't make a decision to save your life? Let the machine tell you where to go.
Let it do everything for you, cause it can. I'm tired of living, please machine tell me where to eat. I've grown bored of discovery, please machine tell me what street to take.
It's an unbelievable invention. I realized that I wanted to have a Koi pond in my pocket. Boom. Got it. I got fish in my pants now. A man can lose his mind with all the apps they offer. Literally. I've lost mine.
Good thing I have this machine to tell me where to find it.
All's I got to do is shake it.