I'm here tonight not to comment on the new Batman movie called 'The Dark Knight', but on a single chap that sat next to me during said movie. Now, mind you, my girlfriend and I waited in line for roughly an hour on the lovely and clean AMC theater carpet before the show. No big deal. This is Batman, fer cryin out loud, plus, it's the Joker, and the guy who plays him in the movie is now dead, and to that note, I'm sure I can site for 45 minutes on the carpet outside the theater with all the other fan boys knowing full well that we're about to witness the single and bestest performance of all time and all year.
But again, let me stay on the trackiest of tracks. It's our time to enter the theater. A large conch-shell sounds. We stand up and dust off our asses and slowly begin the shuffle. The shuffle I like to call 'Quick Pick'.
This is always a bitch. It's one of the single biggest worries and stresses in my life. Cause if you choose wrongly, you'll never forgive yourself for 2 hours, and neither will the people or person you're with.
'What honey? I didn't know she'd laugh like that.'
'That wasn't me tapping, hun, that was Fidgety McAsshole next to me with the happy feet.'
I'm usually pretty decent of a picker. I spot children, I go above. I see thugs, I act old and flex. I see 'nice couple on date' I usually hone in like a honer.
But this time, I don't follow my usual methods. I get nervous. I saw the line behind me, they're coming. And the 50 people in front of me all swarmed to the middle. I knew what this meant. It's gonna be a sell out and I'd have to sit next to a stranger.
Shit. Shit shit shit. Not good. Strangers always want the armrest. It can be a midget in that chair, but damned if he doesn't take the armrest. No, I don't need it. I'm not 6'4". You take it. You're 3 feet and your feet don't touch the ground. You deserve it. I'll go get your popcorn, too. You need to have both arms up on those rests. Please. I insist.
After I panic a second I spy the opening. Dude by himself. 10 rows up. Middle. I do a small victory dance in my mind. It was like the robot, only more robotic.
I walk up the steps and toward Dude. I ask Dude if the 'Seat's taken?' He says no and pulls out his Blackberry.
Jules and I sit.
Theater fills up. Dude stays on his Blackberry through the dumb trivia. No big deal. Lots of people do that. Dude stays on Blackberry through the First trailer. Eh, kinda weird, but still no biggie. Dude stays on Blackberry through all the trailers. Lights dim. His Blackberry doesn't.
I'm fuming. Movie starts. He finally puts his Magical device away. Thank the Lord of AMC.
10 minutes into it, he starts talking to himself. "Ah Hell no." he says. "Ah HELLLL no." he again says. To himself. Cause he's not talking to me. We've never met. And the person to his other side is not with him. He thinks everyone in the theater needs to know what he's thinking.
'Shiiiit.' he mutters. I feel a glow on the side of my face. The device is back out from under his immense black shirt. Then it's gone again. I sigh.
Boom. It's back out. The only thing glowing in the whole theater besides the screen and we have to sit next to it. Damn this dude. Damn him.
I contort my body into a cock-eyed crouch position in my chair so that my shoulder blocks out the glow from dude's Blackberry. Ah yea, this will do.
My neck starts hurting. "Ah Hellll no." he says again as the Joker says something sick.
This is getting to be quite enough, thank you. I right my body and decide to say something the next time it comes out. I'm a man, and I like to do what's right. And telling this guy that what he's doign is wrong, seems like the right thing to do.
Waiting now. Poke your head out you little bright SOB. Batman said something important. Joker responded with something important about anarchy. I'm waiting. Where is it? Why won't it come out now. Never fails. As soon as you want something, you can't have it. Just missed a crucial plot point. Damn this dude. And his terrible manners. Didn't his parents teach him about respecting the people around him? No, musta forgot that one. But they taught him how to wear his pants around his knees. Even trade.
For the remainder of the film, the glow never reappears. I waited and it never showed.
He said 'Ah Hell no' three more times, though, but no glow. The movie ends. It was awesome. I loved it. Jules loved it. We all loved it. The acting , the action, the ass-beatings. Big visuals, gritty storyline, human emotions. It was better than the first. Bales was better, Batman was tougher, and Joker was the best villian since Ivan Drago, Cruella De Ville, and that guy with the funny accent.
I decided that I wasn't going to be angry with Dude, however. He must have been really important. How else to explain so many emails/texts? No other way.
I decide to tell myself that I was sitting next to 50 Cents, the famous rapper. That makes the most sense. He was probalby texting Bale on the Blackberry right then. And I wanted to stop that, to stop 50 from holla-ing at Bale?
Shame on me and my selfishness. Whatta selfish d-bag.
I wonder who I'll sit next to when I see Tropic Thunder.