Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas and Happy New Years. I hope your Holiday break found you and yours well. It found me and mine well. I drove home to my parents' house in The Woodlands on Tuesday. It's a 3 hour drive and there's not much to see that hasn't been seen countless drives in the past. So, like everyone else in America, I like to read the billboards and road signs to keep me entertained on drives such as this one.
And hot dammit, entertained I was!
I saw a billboard that boasted 'AWESOME RESTROOMS' at Al's Truck Stop at Exit 52B. AWESOME RESTROOMS? Who doesn't want to do their business in AWESOME RESTROOMS?
I decided that this was the place I needed to go, and even though I really didn't need to go, I knew I could make myself go, just to see what an AWESOME RESTROOM was.
I'd been waiting a long time to see some, and I would not have to wait much longer, for 52B was just after 52A, and I passed by that 40 yards ago.
I exited at the proper exit. I pulled up to the truck stop. I got out of my truck and went in...
Wellp, let me say this much my friends, 52B does not have AWESOME RESTROOMS.
If these were AWESOME, then I've been mis-using that adjective for the past 28 years.
I half expected a bidet to shoot Vitamin Water betwixt my legs. Maybe a little jar of blue juice by the sink that houses a tiny comb with ancient script etched in the side. Four marble pillars surrounding a jacuzzi.
Too much? Well howsabout a couple walls that were clean of gay men's phone numbers? Or a few ceiling lights that worked. Perhaps a scale to weigh in on, and not a condom machine with glow in the dark rubs in it? This place was embarrassing.
Nothing at all AWESOME.
Not one sign of AWESOME anywhere.
DECENT at most. ADEQUATE at best. SO-SO in a pinch.
Beware. False Advertising adorns the billboard for Exit 52B, on I-45 South to Houston. I mean, if you're looking for a RESTROOM, by all means 52B is one of those. Ya can piss wherever ya want, for the most part.
Al's Truck Stop, why don't ya just advertise what the restroom does? Just put 'WE GOT SHITTERS' on the sign. That's all. No need to add cool adjectives to the front and get people's hopes up.
Cause my hopes were up. I really wanted to enjoy my stay in that AWESOME RESTROOM.
If that was AWESOME, I don't know what AWESOME is anymore. And that makes me feel old.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Frost and Found
My parents put new unused batteries in the fridge. I'm not sure where this started. Afterall, batteries don't need to be cold. I asked them about it and they said that was just what they did up North. Hmm. The more I think about it, the more I think it's a pretty safe place to keep things.
In fact, I'm going to start putting everything I ever have a habit of losing in the fridge. Wallet. Keys. Cat. Phone. Where are they? Where'd I leave it this time?
Oh, I know. The fridge. That's where I put the batteries before I use them, and that's where I put the remote last night after I got done watching TV.
Whenever I forget where something's at from now on, I won't.
I would have already pre-placed it all in the fridge. I'll set up a little shelf.
Never again will I stumble around my place looking for my keys. Can you imagine the time saved? Everything will always be in the fridge!
Plus, they're cold when I get em back, which is always a huge bonus to the other side of the pillow, so I think it will help out here as well.
In fact, I'm going to start putting everything I ever have a habit of losing in the fridge. Wallet. Keys. Cat. Phone. Where are they? Where'd I leave it this time?
Oh, I know. The fridge. That's where I put the batteries before I use them, and that's where I put the remote last night after I got done watching TV.
Whenever I forget where something's at from now on, I won't.
I would have already pre-placed it all in the fridge. I'll set up a little shelf.
Never again will I stumble around my place looking for my keys. Can you imagine the time saved? Everything will always be in the fridge!
Plus, they're cold when I get em back, which is always a huge bonus to the other side of the pillow, so I think it will help out here as well.
Saturday, December 20, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Shoe Thrower
First off, to coin Austin Powers---Who throws a shoe?
But more importantly---Who throws a shoe and misses?
How embarassing. You're already throwing a garment. And then ya miss. Serves him right.
W showed house-cat like reflexes as he expertly dodged those flying projectiles.
And the reporter? This 'reporter'? He'd been throwing shoes his whole life, practicing into the wee hours on cardboard cut-outs of our President, and he took his 2 shots at the carnival press and missed. No prize awarded. Next in line, please.
A little back story on our shoe-tosser. When he was in grade school in Iraq he had thrown his sandals at every child in his class and connected. When he got to high school, after receiving the 'Most Likely to Throw a Shoe' Award he tossed his loafers at the principal, knocking him unconscious. In Iragi college, he was captain of the debate team. There was no shoe-throwing team.
And now, he stands tall in the press room and screams loud and hurls his shoe straight at our President's face.
And W dodged. W dodged!
And as a result, completely foils an entire lifetime of preparation from Mr. Shoe Thrower.
Take that you cowardly swine.
W made him look like the fool he is.
If that would have connected, W never would have heard the end of it.
Fabio sure hasn't. Course' that wasn't a shoe that smashed Fabio's face, but a bird, but ya get the point.
But more importantly---Who throws a shoe and misses?
How embarassing. You're already throwing a garment. And then ya miss. Serves him right.
W showed house-cat like reflexes as he expertly dodged those flying projectiles.
And the reporter? This 'reporter'? He'd been throwing shoes his whole life, practicing into the wee hours on cardboard cut-outs of our President, and he took his 2 shots at the carnival press and missed. No prize awarded. Next in line, please.
A little back story on our shoe-tosser. When he was in grade school in Iraq he had thrown his sandals at every child in his class and connected. When he got to high school, after receiving the 'Most Likely to Throw a Shoe' Award he tossed his loafers at the principal, knocking him unconscious. In Iragi college, he was captain of the debate team. There was no shoe-throwing team.
And now, he stands tall in the press room and screams loud and hurls his shoe straight at our President's face.
And W dodged. W dodged!
And as a result, completely foils an entire lifetime of preparation from Mr. Shoe Thrower.
Take that you cowardly swine.
W made him look like the fool he is.
If that would have connected, W never would have heard the end of it.
Fabio sure hasn't. Course' that wasn't a shoe that smashed Fabio's face, but a bird, but ya get the point.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Fallon at the Improv
Saw Jimmy Fallon at the Addison Improv last night. I went into it not really expecting much. I've seen him in on SNL back in the day and I always remember him ruining sketches with his incessant giggling and inability to keep a straight face. Some people like that about him...I thought it was a little bush-league.
But Jules and I went with a group of friendo's to check his stand up out regardless. I don't ever goto these types of things. Not that I don't care to, it's just that I never really seek them out. But this opportunity fell into my lap so I spanked it.
And I'm glad I did. Holy Canary. I haven't laughed like that in awhile. The two guys before Fallon absolutely killed. And then fallon gets up there, not 15 feet away, and has his guitar.
He plays, he sings, he does impressions. He just overall kills. His humor was of the 'funny cause it's true' variety, which seems to be the only humor worth a damn when it comes to being a stand-up. We've all thought it, and know exactly what he's talking about..it's just that he's saying it. And he's finding the humor in the smallest things imaginable. All the comedians talked about what they knew, and I could relate to most everything they were tossing up. Lots of 80's references. How technology has come such a long way. Look officer I like driving without my console lights on.
The second comic was drunk. He actually told us he was hammered. I thought we would all be on some hidden videotape footage of when the drunk comic just drowned on stage, laugh laugh, whatta an idiot, awkward silence, we paid for this? But then he kept going and got rolling and rolling. Started building momentum. And then I saw why he was up there. Because he just needed to warm it up. Feel the crowd out. And soon enough, he demolished. I was hitting the table while I laughed. Which is when you know it's a good laugh. When you're forced to smack something.
But Fallon was the headliner, so he gets to feast after the first 2 dudes warmed us up. He did this little squirt gun routine where he made the sound of a tiny squirt gun from when we were kids. The one that gets filled up with a teaspoon of water? And I literally tinkled right then and there. He sang like Timberlake and did his radio dj impression, which is a doosey.
Then he did a bit where he sang all the hits from the 80's to MC Hammer's Can't Touch This. All of them. And they all fit in perfectly with the beat.
So, in long story short. I will be watching when Fallon takes over for Conan next year. The dude's out of control funny. Plus he just killed some idiot drunk woman in the crowd that thought she should be onstage too. She interjected during one of his bits and he played with her for a second then just told her off...in a nice way.
It's odd that people come to comedy clubs, get drunk and feel they can add to the jokes of the comic. Like they secretly think they're funnier.
Just listen to the person ya paid to listen to and shut the mouth. If they really start bombing, which I can't foresee happening with a guy as well known as Fallon, then maybe ya give em a boo-hiss.
Toss some sugar packets on stage.
Tip your water over.
Really show em who's boss.
But Jules and I went with a group of friendo's to check his stand up out regardless. I don't ever goto these types of things. Not that I don't care to, it's just that I never really seek them out. But this opportunity fell into my lap so I spanked it.
And I'm glad I did. Holy Canary. I haven't laughed like that in awhile. The two guys before Fallon absolutely killed. And then fallon gets up there, not 15 feet away, and has his guitar.
He plays, he sings, he does impressions. He just overall kills. His humor was of the 'funny cause it's true' variety, which seems to be the only humor worth a damn when it comes to being a stand-up. We've all thought it, and know exactly what he's talking about..it's just that he's saying it. And he's finding the humor in the smallest things imaginable. All the comedians talked about what they knew, and I could relate to most everything they were tossing up. Lots of 80's references. How technology has come such a long way. Look officer I like driving without my console lights on.
The second comic was drunk. He actually told us he was hammered. I thought we would all be on some hidden videotape footage of when the drunk comic just drowned on stage, laugh laugh, whatta an idiot, awkward silence, we paid for this? But then he kept going and got rolling and rolling. Started building momentum. And then I saw why he was up there. Because he just needed to warm it up. Feel the crowd out. And soon enough, he demolished. I was hitting the table while I laughed. Which is when you know it's a good laugh. When you're forced to smack something.
But Fallon was the headliner, so he gets to feast after the first 2 dudes warmed us up. He did this little squirt gun routine where he made the sound of a tiny squirt gun from when we were kids. The one that gets filled up with a teaspoon of water? And I literally tinkled right then and there. He sang like Timberlake and did his radio dj impression, which is a doosey.
Then he did a bit where he sang all the hits from the 80's to MC Hammer's Can't Touch This. All of them. And they all fit in perfectly with the beat.
So, in long story short. I will be watching when Fallon takes over for Conan next year. The dude's out of control funny. Plus he just killed some idiot drunk woman in the crowd that thought she should be onstage too. She interjected during one of his bits and he played with her for a second then just told her off...in a nice way.
It's odd that people come to comedy clubs, get drunk and feel they can add to the jokes of the comic. Like they secretly think they're funnier.
Just listen to the person ya paid to listen to and shut the mouth. If they really start bombing, which I can't foresee happening with a guy as well known as Fallon, then maybe ya give em a boo-hiss.
Toss some sugar packets on stage.
Tip your water over.
Really show em who's boss.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
iPhone purchase
I caved in and joined the 21st century. I got an iPhone. I used to have a little blue number that flipped open and was too small for my enormous cranium. I passed a window as I talked on it once and caught a glimpse of myself. I looked foolish.
It stretched from the bottom of my ear to the bottom of my nose. I think it was refurbished from a 14 year old girl.
The screen was dark green and the type was light green. It reminded me of DOS. And it sucked. But I could text without looking at the phone, and that made me happy. I could pull the move from 'The Departed', when Leo texts his position to some other guy from his pocket. That's comforting to know I could do that, too.
Anyway, I went and played around with an iPhone and bought it. Life's too short. You only live once. All's well that ends well. I used every excuse in the book why I should get it.
I've put my artwork on it. I've put my cartoon on it. And I've put Star Wars sound effects on it. What else do you need? Maps? You lost? They got that. Don't know where to eat? Can't make a decision to save your life? Let the machine tell you where to go.
Let it do everything for you, cause it can. I'm tired of living, please machine tell me where to eat. I've grown bored of discovery, please machine tell me what street to take.
It's an unbelievable invention. I realized that I wanted to have a Koi pond in my pocket. Boom. Got it. I got fish in my pants now. A man can lose his mind with all the apps they offer. Literally. I've lost mine.
Good thing I have this machine to tell me where to find it.
All's I got to do is shake it.
It stretched from the bottom of my ear to the bottom of my nose. I think it was refurbished from a 14 year old girl.
The screen was dark green and the type was light green. It reminded me of DOS. And it sucked. But I could text without looking at the phone, and that made me happy. I could pull the move from 'The Departed', when Leo texts his position to some other guy from his pocket. That's comforting to know I could do that, too.
Anyway, I went and played around with an iPhone and bought it. Life's too short. You only live once. All's well that ends well. I used every excuse in the book why I should get it.
I've put my artwork on it. I've put my cartoon on it. And I've put Star Wars sound effects on it. What else do you need? Maps? You lost? They got that. Don't know where to eat? Can't make a decision to save your life? Let the machine tell you where to go.
Let it do everything for you, cause it can. I'm tired of living, please machine tell me where to eat. I've grown bored of discovery, please machine tell me what street to take.
It's an unbelievable invention. I realized that I wanted to have a Koi pond in my pocket. Boom. Got it. I got fish in my pants now. A man can lose his mind with all the apps they offer. Literally. I've lost mine.
Good thing I have this machine to tell me where to find it.
All's I got to do is shake it.
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Fleeting Thought
I've been thinking a lot lately about invisible cars and how great it would be to go as fast as you want and not get any tickets. Zoom in and out of traffic. Flick everyone off. Drive naked. Pretty much the greatest invention of this century.
Then I realized that you'd get hit by other cars constantly because they couldn't see you. I now believe it to be the worst idea ever and that we're all better off and safer without invisible cars.
Then I realized that you'd get hit by other cars constantly because they couldn't see you. I now believe it to be the worst idea ever and that we're all better off and safer without invisible cars.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Short Filming
I acted this weekend. I usually act all week long at work, but this time, I was out on a field with 7 other guys playing fake flag football while reciting lines and standing in the right light for the camera. I don't do this kind of stuff normally.
I woke at 6 am on both Saturday and Sunday and made it to the location by 645am. I had no idea what to expect, besides that it would be extremely cold and I'd have to be angry when Casey Gooden told me to be. After all, he's the director and I was one of eight people in an ensemble piece.
But my friend, whom I seldom text and rarely call yet often email, decided that he would like for me to read a part for his short film. The part was for an angry a-hole of a dude.
But acting angry and being an a-hole is rather easy for me. I find it fun and fun-ny at the exact precise time. I think anyone that gets worked up over small stuff is pretty hilarious. Being out of line is heavenly. Being in line is boring and makes me yawn.
I'm not really an a-hole and am not really angry in real life, but I wondered if Casey thought of me as such? I decided I wouldn't look too far into it and took it for what it was: an opportunity to make people laugh. I like to jump at those.
I read the script with him and he liked the way I read it, so he told me to come do what I just did in front of a camera for him.
This made me happy because I liked what he wrote. Truth be told, I don't think he could have presented a 'bad' script to me. For the most part, if you're interested in acting at any stage, any script given to you in hopes that you might play a role in the script is a GREAT script. Eh, that's not really true, but sounded right when I first thought about it. There are bad scripts out there. Terrible in fact. This just wasn't one of them.
All was well. Except for one problem. I never was a fan of being ON camera. Now, I've only been on-camera 'acting' one time in my life and it was for a school project at Ringling where Rosscoe Pike and myself dressed up as the Crocodile hunters and explored the jungle of Sarasota for a project. We got a B on that tape and I wish that I still had it, because it was FUNNY. Other than that, I've got nothing.
I mean, I like as much attention as the next guy, but when I'm supposed to deliver that performance on cue? That's a different story. I've always craved the spotlight when nobody has it. In that situation, I'll attempt to grab it. But when I'm on the spot, and people are expecting something gold from me? Eh, no thanks. I'll pass. I'd rather not dance for you today, sir.
I'd rather smile and wait till the spotlight moves over only to grab it when it's on Bill or Linda. Rebellious? I don't know. It's kinda weird, but that's how I thought I was. It's funny how little you know yourself sometimes.
We shot for a day and a half in Dallas in 50 degree weather and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Yes I botched lots of takes. Sure my legs are jello from running in cleats for 15 hours. And yes my ribs sting when I cough. And of course I spurt blood out of my ears from 5 too many fake tackles of a beastly man named Scott, but hot dammit, this short was worth it.
It's nice to get to know people that are driven to do something when they're not FORCED. People work 9-5 jobs to support themselves. They're forced to do something they don't love because it will pay the bills. Wellp, nobody was forced to come out and act all weekend. We did it because we WANTED to be there. And that will make all the difference with anything and everything I do in life.
I've been looking for purity a lot lately, and I think that shooting this film was right up there. We did it for the joy of doing it. If it gets into 10 festivals, great. If it gets into one, great.
Just as long as someone sees it and connects to it, either on a humorous level or maybe deeper, then I'd think that my job as an actor was done and that Casey's job as a writer/director was as well.
We'll see how it all turns out--I'll have more info as it nears it's completion and when I get the news myself.
I woke at 6 am on both Saturday and Sunday and made it to the location by 645am. I had no idea what to expect, besides that it would be extremely cold and I'd have to be angry when Casey Gooden told me to be. After all, he's the director and I was one of eight people in an ensemble piece.
But my friend, whom I seldom text and rarely call yet often email, decided that he would like for me to read a part for his short film. The part was for an angry a-hole of a dude.
But acting angry and being an a-hole is rather easy for me. I find it fun and fun-ny at the exact precise time. I think anyone that gets worked up over small stuff is pretty hilarious. Being out of line is heavenly. Being in line is boring and makes me yawn.
I'm not really an a-hole and am not really angry in real life, but I wondered if Casey thought of me as such? I decided I wouldn't look too far into it and took it for what it was: an opportunity to make people laugh. I like to jump at those.
I read the script with him and he liked the way I read it, so he told me to come do what I just did in front of a camera for him.
This made me happy because I liked what he wrote. Truth be told, I don't think he could have presented a 'bad' script to me. For the most part, if you're interested in acting at any stage, any script given to you in hopes that you might play a role in the script is a GREAT script. Eh, that's not really true, but sounded right when I first thought about it. There are bad scripts out there. Terrible in fact. This just wasn't one of them.
All was well. Except for one problem. I never was a fan of being ON camera. Now, I've only been on-camera 'acting' one time in my life and it was for a school project at Ringling where Rosscoe Pike and myself dressed up as the Crocodile hunters and explored the jungle of Sarasota for a project. We got a B on that tape and I wish that I still had it, because it was FUNNY. Other than that, I've got nothing.
I mean, I like as much attention as the next guy, but when I'm supposed to deliver that performance on cue? That's a different story. I've always craved the spotlight when nobody has it. In that situation, I'll attempt to grab it. But when I'm on the spot, and people are expecting something gold from me? Eh, no thanks. I'll pass. I'd rather not dance for you today, sir.
I'd rather smile and wait till the spotlight moves over only to grab it when it's on Bill or Linda. Rebellious? I don't know. It's kinda weird, but that's how I thought I was. It's funny how little you know yourself sometimes.
We shot for a day and a half in Dallas in 50 degree weather and I would do it again in a heartbeat. Yes I botched lots of takes. Sure my legs are jello from running in cleats for 15 hours. And yes my ribs sting when I cough. And of course I spurt blood out of my ears from 5 too many fake tackles of a beastly man named Scott, but hot dammit, this short was worth it.
It's nice to get to know people that are driven to do something when they're not FORCED. People work 9-5 jobs to support themselves. They're forced to do something they don't love because it will pay the bills. Wellp, nobody was forced to come out and act all weekend. We did it because we WANTED to be there. And that will make all the difference with anything and everything I do in life.
I've been looking for purity a lot lately, and I think that shooting this film was right up there. We did it for the joy of doing it. If it gets into 10 festivals, great. If it gets into one, great.
Just as long as someone sees it and connects to it, either on a humorous level or maybe deeper, then I'd think that my job as an actor was done and that Casey's job as a writer/director was as well.
We'll see how it all turns out--I'll have more info as it nears it's completion and when I get the news myself.
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